This morning has found me wandering around my house looking for something to organize. We keep things pretty simple here with not a lot of “extras,” but there is still something so calming about organizing. This week is turning out to be a rough one for me emotionally. We just lost a major supporter in the midst of trying to raise more support for school fees by the time school starts in August. Also, I have three interns coming Thursday evening – and I suddenly realize I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into! Will it be a good summer? Am I prepared enough? What will I do with my kids in the busyness of it all? To top it off, next week our fearless leaders at NCF leave for a 6 month sabbatical because somehow they decided we could be trusted with this church! I feel the pressure, the uncertainty, and the weight of each of these things individually – but with the three combined it just feels as though I can’t breathe.
So I open my closets and start ripping things out. I fold, hang things, make piles for give away, piles for the dry cleaner, piles for storing. I dust and clean and organize until there is some semblance of control. If I can’t deal with the chaos in my emotional closet, I can at least sort the tangible, physical closets in my life out.
The problem is the satisfaction doesn’t last long.
Because it ‘s not about the financial need, the lack of experience, or the unknown anymore than it is about the wooden closet in front of me. All these things will remain chaotic in me even if (please, please, please) funds come in, or if the internship is a complete success, or if NCF remains healthy and intact the next 6 months. These things – these circumstances – are not the issue. The weight may lift temporarily, but the real burden is still there.
The burden of do I (can I?) trust Christ wholeheartedly in each situation that he is not only in control, but is weaving together all things to work his plan out. And his plan is nothing but good? Because I’ll be honest, friends – I doubt that often. I doubt it even as I write this. At least I feel like I doubt it. But since I am writing this and talking about the fact that his word is true, I guess in my core I know it to be true. My emotions just seem to be in a place of stunted growth when it comes to this aspect of life.
So this afternoon I will take time to peer more closely into the chaos in my emotional closet. I will pull a few things out and put them in a pile to give to God. And I will try my hardest not to shove them back in to hold on to. Would you pray for me? Thanks so much.